Friday 11 December 2009

#FridayFlash: Witness

by Maria Protopapadaki-Smith

I was still dry-heaving when the police arrived at the scene. I didn't think I'd be going for a run in this part of the woods again, somehow. The sun, still low in the east, was shining straight into my eyes, but this was preferable to looking in the other direction. Not that it would have made any difference - the image of the bludgeoned girl was plastered all over my mind's eye and was unlikely to go away any time soon.

She was young, in her early twenties. There was congealed blood on the side of her head, a dark clump in stark contrast to the fair hair it matted. A halo of cerebral matter, skull fragments and blood framed her face. She was fully clothed - I am not a religious man, but I found myself thanking some unspecified entity for that small mercy.

After being interviewed by the Detective Constable that had been assigned the case, I called my boss and informed him I was taking the day off. I holed myself up in my flat and sought oblivion through bad television and a bottle of whisky far too expensive for the task at hand. It was not till the shadows grew long again and the flush from the booze had brought some colour back into my face that it occurred to me how astoundingly pretty DC Claire Stone was. Would it be inappropriate for me to ask her out, I wondered? Would it be inappropriate for her to accept? Could anything good ever come out of an encounter brought about by a violent death?

It was dark by the time I poured myself the last of the Scotch. As the liquid trickled down my throat, I expected the familiar warmth to course through me. Instead I felt a shiver though there was no breeze coming in through the window. The temperature in the room dropped noticeably. In front of me, the dust motes illuminated by the television no longer danced haphazardly: they were taking shape of some sort. When they had come together in such a way as to form the face of the dead girl, I passed out.

I laughed at myself when I woke up the next morning - so this is why people avoid bingeing on the expensive stuff, I thought. I left for work, catching the 08:20 bus as usual, and the faces I recognised from the daily rat run served to calm me down further. I sat down at the back of the empty top deck and was just about to open my book when I felt a sharp drop in the temperature. I sat there terrified as I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. The figure coming out of the stairwell revealed itself to be a fellow I see most mornings on this service. I berated myself for my foolishness - then my heart lurched as steam leapt off the windows and formed an image of the dead girl in the aisle, next to the man. He was oblivious and carried on looking straight ahead. She looked right at me, raised an arm and pointed at the man, mouthing the same word repeatedly. It took me a few moments to realise she was mouthing "Murderer". The particles that made up her spectre dissipated, and I was left wondering whether I was going mad, but more importantly whether I wasn't.

Later I called DC Stone. She sounded understandably dubious, but said she would join me on the bus the following day. That morning I chose to wear one of my better shirts and my fanciest tie. On the bus, DC Stone sat with me at the back of the top deck, having disguised her appearance somewhat with sunglasses and a hat. I nudged her when the man appeared. Her chin dropped, and she took a sharp intake of breath. She turned to me, looking for confirmation. The instant I nodded she rushed off without a word.

A few days later I was on the sofa, watching television, when I felt extreme cold, like the other times. The spectre formed again out of the dust motes; this time she was smiling . She mouthed the words "Thank You" and came up to me. She put her arms around me and kissed me full on the lips - it felt like a bracing midwinter breeze had passed through me. She then vanished into nothing and had the phone not rung I would have remained standing there, in shock. DC Stone was at the other end of the line - the man on the bus had been arrested for the girl's murder. In a fit of inspired foolhardiness, I asked her out and to my surprise she acquiesced.

On the date, she told me that the man had been the girl's neighbour. Not believing in coincidences, she had concentrated her efforts on him, and had been rewarded with the necessary evidence to convict him. The rest of the date went remarkably well. After, I went home alone sporting a big grin, equally delighted and disappointed that Claire was not a first date kind of girl.

The grin was wiped off my face as I entered my flat and I felt a cold fiercer than I had ever experienced. The dead girl sat in the armchair, facing me. Her arms were folded across her chest and the anger in her look was unmistakeable, as was the word she mouthed: "Cheater". Then she smiled, and pointed at the television: the image changed to that of a kitchen. When Claire walked into that kitchen, my fear shot through the roof. I watched in horror as Claire's kettle exploded in her hands, electrocuting her. After convulsing a few times she lay still on the small screen. The spectre made no sound, but I could hear her cackling.

This was two years ago. I haven't been on a date since, and my evenings have been very cold.

43 comments:

  1. And people mock health & safety regulations!

    I was eating my breakfast when I started reading this and had to stop. That is a good thing I think.

    Good stuff

    marc

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  2. Compelling, witty, multilayered.

    Writing that grabbed me and made me laugh.

    I laughed aloud at: "it occurred to me how astoundingly pretty DC Claire Stone was. Would it be inappropriate for me to ask her out, I wondered?"

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  3. Ah, brilliant. Lovely description. I was gripped! I wanted your narrator and Claire to hit it off - but what a twist! Nicely written, Mazzz.

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  4. Yes Skycycler I wanted that too - part of what made the story so compelling.

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  5. Excellent work as always, I did not see the ending coming.

    One last question though, does this ghost put out?

    :)

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  6. OMG! Maria, this is wonderful! The first sentence is a brilliant hook, then I got warm fuzzies as the ghost thanked him for bringing the murderer to justice...then you added a killer twist.

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  7. Wow! How great is this one? Here I am thinking it's all over and the dude can find love for himself. . . when he already has love. . . ut-oh!
    I love it - mouthing the word "cheater". . .

    Nice job.

    Jim

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  8. Well written,

    but why would the ghost the one that put her killer in jail?

    Jeolusy is a mighty power I guess :-)

    and if she puts out.... you know what happens in the cold ;-)

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  9. Really was gripped by this story!

    I settled down with a smile when the main character got a date out of the whole mess,

    Then... the TWIST.

    Wonderful!

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  10. And to think I was worried you were going for a happy ending... should have known better.

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  11. Wow. Once again, your ending surprised me. Your second paragraph particularly captivating. Peace, Linda

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  12. What a twist. That's a great take on a ghost story.

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  13. Quite gripping from start to finish. You had me hanging on every word. Nice unexpected twist at the end too. Great job.

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  14. I'm never going for a run again. Or watching TV. Or helping out a ghost.
    shiver

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  15. "a bottle of whisky far too expensive for the task at hand"

    That was astute. And twist after twist! Thanks for the fun read.

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  16. Wonderful!! Beware the wrath of a woman scorned! Teehee.

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  17. I also had to put my food down at first - ha!

    I really enjoyed this story! You write beautifully with such vivid description and grasp of human nature.

    The story was very compelling and I enjoyed the ending twist immensely.

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  18. This was a detailed world, very compelling. Poor guy! No good deed goes unpunished.

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  19. A ghostly love. Surprised she hasn't taken him out too! Great story!

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  20. Good God Mazzz, that was astounding (and that's not a word you'll hear me use often)! The first line had me gripped, and your story read like the opening chapter of a crime thriller novel. I do so hope there will be more stories with these characters. Please? Pretty please?

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  21. This piece rocked Mazz. Wow, I love that you chose a male voice to write from and I love the intricacies in your prosaic description. That the story itself is a smasher is all the more a treat. he best watch his p's and q's here out.

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  22. Very cool! Even dead women made of dust motes should not be scorned! Loved this story.

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  23. I know it's pointless to applaud my computer screen but I did it anyway. Really, really strong piece, this.

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  24. You kept the tension in throughout this story, Mazz. Such a stark description of the dead girl, rich with details. A couple of places I would have liked a little dialogue which might make the piece longer, but otherwise I can only applaud your skill and the twists and turns you've inserted in the prose. Good work.

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  25. I LOVE this Maria! So few flash pieces deliver a strong, unexpected ending. This is one of those. And the voice is just wonderful. That last line is a great tie-up.

    Thanks for a great read!

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  26. Great stuff in this one. Love the atmosphere and the ghost solving her own murder. And does this make her a FATAL ATTRACTION? Heh. Sorry, couldn't resist.

    Well written. :)

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  27. Maria, You've done it again. This was a great read. Hugely compelling beginning to end. Thanks for sharing! ~ Olivia

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  28. Wow this unfolded just like a lush vivid movie. Loved it. Didn't see the end coming AT ALL.
    Really really nicely done.
    I'm helping Chris applaud, but his hands are bigger so he's louder.
    Karen :0)

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  29. Flat out cool.
    Passives work, until the grin in second to last paragraph I feel could be stronger with the cold/ghost/other wiped his grin.

    The ghost fits in well, little revelations, and their relationship is... cool.

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  30. Excellent job, Maria! I was not at all expecting the twist.

    Hell hath no fury like a ghost spurned?

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  31. Poor guy! I bet his evenings did end up being cold. Great writing, and the twist at the end was like the dash of spice by a master chef: it elevated the piece from good to great. :)

    -- Cecilia

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  32. Sneaky, very sneaky. I don't think you will be selling Harlequin any books soon. But oh how I liked it.

    Barb Relyea

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  33. Great piece Maria. I especially enjoyed the little details, like what time bus your protag took to work every day. And the moral of the story is do not cheat on your ghost girlfriend!

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  34. What an opening line! And then the whole rest of the piece lived up to expectations. This is are really good one, Maria. Just when the reader thinks they have it figured out, and that it might even be getting a little sappy, bang - a fantastic twist smacks them in the face. Excellent, excellent piece.
    ~jon

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  35. Wow! This is one of those that seems like it took the wheel and wrote itself! So smooth and perfect! Unpredictable, just like life. Right up my alley, too. Love it!

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  36. Excellent twist at the end, but it's a twisted Halo from the beginning that will stay with me.

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  37. Remind me never to help out a ghost, eh? Great story!
    Donna Carrick

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  38. Great concept, and well executed storyline. I appreciate that you kept stretching and pulling at the story like taffy, coaxing a little more out of it each paragraph.

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  39. The visuals are brilliant, I enjoyed the suspense and tension. well done.

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  40. I liked the straight forward style you used to tell this story. Poor guy. Guess he's doomed to batchleorhood, for the safety of womankind...

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